In Which I Poke Fun at Trailblazer Owners Without Really Saying Much About the Vehicle

"Swayze Train GTi" (swayzetrain) 01/14/2016 at 15:31 • Filed to: None

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The Chevrolet Trailblazer represents the awkward teenage years of the crossover, weird shapes and angles not quite in the proper proportions, and a meandering sense of purpose only vaguely starting to gain some type of definition. The Trailblazer was bought new by a middle aged woman married to a suspiciously rich and unattractive male. Later down the road he dies in a mysterious sailing accident 50 miles off the coast of Lake Michigan, 2 years after the divorce and one weekend before a scheduled meeting with his lawyer. The house she got in the divorce is quietly taken off the market, but her Trailblazer is still in the driveway, in a vain attempt to keep the eyebrows of the public in check.

Every Trailblazer comes in white

She’ll tell you she’s a small business owner, but the “antiques” and trinket shop she runs in the quaint little downtown area turns a profit less often than the Federal Government.

Some cars trickle down to appreciating owners, but the Trailblazer will live out the rest of it’s days in the possession of a DTN Management employee, chain-smoking her way from apartment complex to apartment complex, pausing before each door for a quick bump of coke before she enters to chastise the owners for smoking weed and pretends to not see the bedbug Third Reich march from room to room. The car may be 11 years old and only a base model LS with a big “fuck you” Trailblazer logo where the 4WD selector should be, but she’s still paying 400 a month at 20% interest from a debtor’s prison Buy Here Pay Here lot on the south side. One week of insurance to get the car registered, no more. Cheap rubber Taz Mania or “sassy” Tweety Bird floor mats are a main identifying characteristic of this owner, and the most money ever spent on the car at one time. After 30,000 miles without so much as a dipstick check, a rod will be thrown with more explosive violence than the domestic disturbances blemishing the criminal record of the owner. If that doesn’t happen, the car will be impounded by the police as evidence used against the most successful crack dealer in the area.

Even he probably won’t have the LTZ model though.

Originally, the Trailblazer and Envoy were just dressed up versions of normal cars, the Chevy Blazer, and the only car to be given a human name, the Jimmy (I’ve already registered Jimmy Envoy as my pornstar name, so don’t even try it). No one is quite sure why this happened, but in any case, after priming the SUV hungry public of the early 00s with the logo plastered Blazers, GM went all in on the name, slotting it in as a midsize SUV between the aforementioned Jimmies and the big dog Yukons. It was the minivan alternative that sold well, mostly because salesmen knew they could only convince fleet buyers to take Uplanders off their hands. The other percentage of sales was comprised of “good, Christian families” who place excessive faith in God, Guns, Country, and 4WD. You know the types, posting on Facebook “God is so great, he has given me 4WD on this icy day and I feel truly blessed to have a vehicle that can handle the roughest parts of OH shit I understeered into a telephone pole. By the grace of God I survived! He truly works miracles!”

Despite these buyers arguably being more prevalent than ever, the GMT360 is no more, having been replaced with the somehow even more conservative Chevrolet Traverse. This is probably because it’s not only a MUCH better vehicle, but also because you can buy a 2WD one for your wife, tell her it’s AWD, and she’ll never know any better because there’s no selector switch. There, I just saved you a couple grand.

Fun Fact: All GMT360s have door hinges less lubricated than the personality of the woman depicted in the painting “American Gothic”

Anyways moving on to the mechanics of the vehicle. By far and away the best part of this vehicle are the engine choices. Base price will get you the massive 4.2L Atlas LL8 straight six, although I’ll eat an entire bottle of cologne (yes, eat) if you can actually send me video proof of a Trailblazer owner who isn’t convinced he has a V6. The Atlas LL8 is a great engine. With it’s DOHC, exhaust side VVT, all aluminum construction, and 4 valves per cylinder, it was the expression of the pent up frustration from the Vortec 4300. The 90* GM V6: You can take the engine out of the malaise era, but you can’t take the malaise era out of the engine. With .1L less displacement to work with, the sophisticated Atlas made around 270 horsepower and almost 280 torques, a jump of almost 100 horsepower over the asthmatic and petulant 4.3. Unfortunately, I6 engines are notoriously hard to package, and the LL8 had a short run before the transverse mounting of the engine in the Traverse left it with no home.

Spend a bit more money, and you’ll get yourself a nice 5.3 Vortec V8. Providing a 30 HP and 60 TQ bump over the I6, the small block earns most of it’s keep by having better low shelf torque than the Atlas. We all know about the small block Chevy, but there’s one very important thing you might not know: Certain 5.3 V8s fitted in the GMT360 variants are all aluminum, making them fantastic candidates for lightweight swaps. Even better, most junkyards will assume the engine is a cast iron block (because honestly why wasn’t it?), and will price it accordingly. You’re looking for the LH6 engine, although I’ve heard some LM4s are aluminum as well (but don’t quote me).

As for the rest of it? The design is more boring than the Ohio town in which it’s built, unless you get the horrid extended version, which resembles those women who get ass implants when they already had to have pants tailored specifically to contain their glutes. It’s not an uncomfortable car, having independent front and 5 link rear suspension. While this makes the on road dynamics livable, this thing would be less practical than an 18th century schooner on anything with rocks, trees, mud, sand, and small to medium sized animals.

Yeah, all these images are boring. It’s cold outside, fuck you.

Aside from the obvious faults that you should expect from this kind of vehicle (fuel economy, boring dynamics, high center of gravity, etc), there’s one thing people don’t mention, and that’s aerodynamics. Whereas nowadays automakers shape everything from roof rails to their mustaches in a wind tunnel, in the early 00s some designer just threw this brick of clay on the table, cut a few angles off, and gave it a Chevy front end. Then Mrs. Sassy Tweety Bird comes along and puts rain rails on it so she can drive around with her Newport 100 poking out the window even in the heaviest of deluges. Under heavy wind, you might as well try using telekinesis and a tea leaf reading mystic to keep your GMT360 on the straight and narrow. But this waywardness and tendency towards criminal activity is representative of the owners, so at least it’s got a sense of pleasing symmetry about it.

You want my advice? You must since you just wasted like 10 minutes slogging through this verbal tirade. Don’t buy it. People will assume you’re a female petty criminal, a spouse murderer, or, even worse, a Christian. Besides all that, there’s a reason this car doesn’t exist anymore. It’s not particularly good at anything. !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . You want power to all four wheels? !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . But no, you want something manly and on a truck frame? !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . Every single one of these vehicles is better than the TB, and their image problems aren’t quite as bad.

Future next gen S2000 owner > Swayze Train GTi 01/14/2016 at 15:42

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My mom bought a Trailblazer, my sister liked it so much she bought one as well. My sister-in-law liked it so much she bought the GMC version.

I just died a little typing that.

Jcarr > Swayze Train GTi 01/14/2016 at 15:47

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Other than the terrible interior quality, I really like our 2004 Envoy. Especially the inline 6.

Also, I’m only 32 and my wife has no murderous intent....yet.

Bob Loblaw Made Me Make a Phoney Phone Call to Edward Rooney > Swayze Train GTi 01/14/2016 at 15:49

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You know, I fucking hate these things, but my mother-in-law drives one and I’ve driven it on a handful of occasions and I do have to admit that the things are ludicrously comfortable. The steering is nicely weighted, they actually have okay grunt, and they ride much better than they have any right too.

They’re still terrible fucking vehicles, though. The interior plastics aren’t early 90s Pontiac-bad, but they’re not far off.

Ash78, voting early and often > Swayze Train GTi 01/14/2016 at 15:52

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This a vehicle I have gone from hating 10 years ago to...well...appreciating today.

Cheap. BOF. Simple. Pretty reliable. EVERYWHERE, from the mint condition TBSS on Craigslist (NO LOWEBAWLERS!) to the $2,500 Buy Here/Pay Here examples with salvage titles.

This is the workhorse of the middle class. Every year someone keeps one of these on the road is another year of wealth retained in the most important demographic in America.

But damn, that interior.

Thisnewformatisrubbish > Bob Loblaw Made Me Make a Phoney Phone Call to Edward Rooney 01/14/2016 at 15:53

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I had one as a rental, the transfer case bump where my right foot should have been was aweful.

Swayze Train GTi > Jcarr 01/14/2016 at 15:54

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As soon as you pay off all those law or med school bills you should also start testing your wine on the dog before drinking any yourself. Just to be on the safe side.

Swayze Train GTi > Future next gen S2000 owner 01/14/2016 at 15:55

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For some reason it’s always a woman driving these. I understand they arent that masculine, but they’re not exactly what I would call feminine either.

Swayze Train GTi > Ash78, voting early and often 01/14/2016 at 15:57

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I would agree it’s a workhorse of the common man, but I also think there are many faster and better horses capable of the same feats.
I agree with your assessment of intelligent spending habits though. Drive it til it dies, then drive it a bit further, then get rid of it.

BeaterGT > Swayze Train GTi 01/14/2016 at 16:17

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The only vehicle I would replace my Subaru with is a TB SS. That thing is practical and fun as hell.

Swayze Train GTi > BeaterGT 01/14/2016 at 16:27

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I would really like to get my hands on one of those for a bit, I didn’t include a summary of it in this article because it’s significantly different from the regular versions. Also I haven’t been able to drive one yet.

Future next gen S2000 owner > Swayze Train GTi 01/14/2016 at 16:31

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I wouldn’t call them feminine either but plenty of women drive Jeep Wranglers as well. I think it is because they are the minivan substitute. They shuttle the family around, which tends to default to a woman.

DoYouEvenShift > Swayze Train GTi 01/14/2016 at 16:32

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I love mine and will probably buy another one. Full framed 4wd SUV, whats not like? The I6 is good, the 5.3 is great, and the 6.0 is awesome. I dont see anything wrong with them. Interior is fine with me, but Im not an interior decorator, so maybe Im blind to it.

Swayze Train GTi > Future next gen S2000 owner 01/14/2016 at 16:40

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I think Wranglers are driven by women for different reasons, because they’re honestly not that practical at all. I actually did some writing on that one as well, although you might want to avoid it if you’re a fan of Wranglers

http://oppositelock.kinja.com/jeep-wrangler-…

BeaterGT > Swayze Train GTi 01/14/2016 at 16:41

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Makes sense. You wouldn’t compare an SRT Cherokee to the base model either, just doesn’t work.

Textured Soy Protein > Swayze Train GTi 01/14/2016 at 16:42

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The Chevrolet Trailblazer represents the awkward teenage years of the crossover

The TrailBlazer and its siblings are built on the GMT360 body-on-frame SUV platform. I wouldn’t call it a crossover.

Swayze Train GTi > DoYouEvenShift 01/14/2016 at 16:44

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There’s nothign wrong with them, per se, but aside from the engines theres really nothing right either. I don’t see why you wouldn’t just buy a Tahoe for a bit more or a minivan for a bit less (if the 4wd isn’t a major concern of yours. personally living in Michigan I think FWD is just fine, except for maybe one day every 2 years which your employer will excuse you for anyways)

Swayze Train GTi > Textured Soy Protein 01/14/2016 at 16:46

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Are we done being pedantic now?

I don’t care if it’s technically not a crossover, people who bought these things are the same people who buy crossovers now. It most definitely is one of the precursors of that type of vehicle, before we really knew what it would end up becoming.

DoYouEvenShift > Swayze Train GTi 01/14/2016 at 16:55

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Elaborate. Whats not right?

Tahoe is too big for what I need, although those are nice too.

A fwd drive minivan wouldnt do too good out on muddy country roads. Plus theyre ugly, but thats subjective. If you like them thats cool.

Swayze Train GTi > DoYouEvenShift 01/14/2016 at 17:02

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I’m not a fan of minivans, but I own one and I’ll be the first to admit it’s ludicrously practical. Not great in the mud though, and styling is boring, I’ll give you that.

It’s not as good as it could have been. There’s not that much interior space relative to the size of the thing, the load space is high up because of the truck frame, the rear seats don’t come out, and the manner in which they fold away isn’t brilliant, the wind makes you it’s bitch, the interior is bad even for a GM of the time, no 3rd row unless you opt for the horrid EXT version, and the one’s I drove weren’t particularly good in the snow we had.

Like I said it doesn’t really do anything bad (aside from the interior) but it doesn’t stand out in any areas either.

DoYouEvenShift > Swayze Train GTi 01/14/2016 at 17:21

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Minivans are practical, very true. Not good offroad though obviously lol. Really, for me fwd is deal breaker for any car. I hate the way they drive, and are a huge pain to service.

Hmm lets see. I have 3 dogs, one is pretty big. With the seats folded down, they freaking love it back there. Lots of room IMO. I moved twice in it, and you can fit more than you would think in it. Plus pull a trailer. I used to live in windiest part of the country and no complaints here. Actually I drove a friends Sienna one particularly windy evening, now that was bad.

Also several winters with a lot of snow in ours, no issues, never got stuck or slid once. Good tires make or break any vehicle.

As far as the interior, it doesnt bother me one bit really. But Im not an interior nazi like 90% of Jaloppositelocknic is. I dont see the big deal.

I have 0 complaints honestly, its super reliable, drives good, looks good IMO.

TFSIVTEC drivesavolvo > BeaterGT 01/14/2016 at 17:30

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I want one in the 9-7X Areo guise

Textured Soy Protein > Swayze Train GTi 01/14/2016 at 17:32

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It’s a very obviously truck-based SUV. There’s nothing crossover-y about it at all.

Sure, people bought truck-based SUVs for the same uses that people now buy crossovers for (namely, they need a wagon or minivan but don’t want to be seen driving one) but that doesn’t make the TrailBlazer a crossover.

The whole point of crossovers is that by being built on car platforms, they better suited the needs of most people who were buying truck-based SUVs like the TrailBlazer, with more room inside, more car-like handling, and better fuel economy.

The TrailBlazer isn’t a crossover, or a proto-crossover. It’s an exactly the kind of vehicle that was made obsolete by crossovers.

Swayze Train GTi > Textured Soy Protein 01/14/2016 at 17:35

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God I bet you’re fun at parties.

Textured Soy Protein > Swayze Train GTi 01/14/2016 at 17:45

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Have I insulted you in some way? Because I’m pretty sure all I did was disagree with you a little bit on a car blog.

Here’s something we can agree on: Chevy TrailBlazers, whatever vehicle category you want to lump them into, are piles of crap.

Be like this dog getting vacuumed, and chillll.

ly2v8-Brian > Swayze Train GTi 01/14/2016 at 18:03

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Burn-Spaz1966-Burn > Swayze Train GTi 01/14/2016 at 21:23

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extended Envoy 2wd got 20 mpg on Highway. Would like to try 4x4 version with newer 5.3 and newest auto trans.

Swayze Train GTi > Burn-Spaz1966-Burn 01/14/2016 at 22:01

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On my 40 minute highway journey I managed around 17 in a 2wd short wheelbase V6. That did include a flat footed highway on ramp pull though, and I usually cruise around 80. The V8 4wd Envoy SWB I had once managed similar numbers, surprisingly.

BeaterGT > TFSIVTEC drivesavolvo 01/15/2016 at 10:48

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Best idea for a sleeper I’ve ever heard on this site. Bravo

alan > Swayze Train GTi 01/25/2016 at 15:31

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my dads trailblazer is now 11 years old, and only time it ever had a issue was the failed fuel gauge sensor. the inline 6 is still running like new and the oil comes out cleaner when we change it than some of our new cars.

Swayze Train GTi > alan 01/25/2016 at 19:04

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I believe it, the I6 engine made the Ward’s Best 10 list when it came out, and everyone knows an SBC is harder to kill than Jaws (the Bond villian, that is, not the shark).

alan > Swayze Train GTi 01/26/2016 at 09:07

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yup it did. shame GM did not use it as a base engine for the silverado or tahoe. it got more power than the acient 4.3 v6 and close in power to the 5.3 v8. it was really a underused engine in the GM line

Swayze Train GTi > alan 01/26/2016 at 13:39

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Yeah I think that vortec 4300 was given to base truck models as a form of punishment for not spending more money. I6 probably wasn’t anywhere near as cheap either, it was way more sophisticated and all aluminum.